23 March 2014 Leave a comment
Subtitle: The Hardest Person to Forgive is Yourself
Long ago, I sinned against my wife. I broke her trust through what was supposed to be a little
white lie. I learned that there is no such thing. A lie is a lie.
She has forgiven me, as her demeanor implies. She has moved on and, as the song says,
But she never complains of the bad times
Or the bad things he’s done, lord
She just talks about the good times they’ve had
And all the good times to come
I have tried to move on, but it’s so damn difficult. Every time we have a discussion, even a polite one, I’m worried that she will return to what I’ve never been able to leave. That day when all hell broke loose in our marriage.
Truth be told, I still (7 years later) cannot forgive myself. I need a confessor to listen to my story. Someone with whom I trust to divulge the whole truth without fear of judgment. Someone who knows me enough to listen and plainly state, “Jesus died for all of your sins – including that one.” Someone who will still hold me in the same regard after hearing about the real me.
Though I have spoken with mentors, both older and younger but wiser over the years, I have not felt comfortable enough with any to come completely clean. Those are mere men. I need someone higher than men.
“What about God,” you may ask. Yes, I’ve confessed to Him. I still don’t feel it.
So, the preaching minister at my church dove into that topic this morning. He kept saying, “Your God is too small.”
And he’s right.
But how do I, a mere mortal, accept a His Divine forgiveness?
Perhaps I am committing the greatest blasphemy of them all – I am not acknowledging His ultimate sacrifice on the cross – as justification for my miserable time here on this planet. Perhaps I assume a God can handle anything other than my particular sin. Perhaps I truly believe that my God is too small.
I accepted His written word as truth even when there were apparent conflicts with what I’ve learned in school. I’ve accepted that my time here is short, particularly when compared with eternity. I’ve accepted that Jesus is the only way, the only truth and the only light.
Why can’t I accept that He has forgiven me, as His a Word so clearly states?